It's how you win or lose
Your dignity in victory or defeat carries many lessons in playing the game of lifeNewsday.com
BY PAT BURSON
June 6, 2005
www.newsday.com/news/health/ny-adcova4292803jun06,0,6387963.story?coll=ny-health-headlines
After the 2004 U.S. Olympic fencing team beat the Hungarians in a stunning upset in the quarterfinals, they cheered their opponents and shook their hands, recalls captain Jeff Bukantz.
It was a different story, though, when the American squad faced off against France in the semifinals. A referee's controversial call gave the French a 1-point victory and a shot at a gold or silver medal, but Bukantz says what happened after the match infuriates him to this day:
The French fencer celebrated his victory by air-machine-gunning the American team.
"It was in front of a worldwide audience. He should have been sanctioned for that," Bukantz says. "That certainly was an example of how not to win."
A Forest Hills native who now lives in Livingston, N.J., Bukantz, 47, knows something about unsportsmanlike conduct. During his days competing nationally and internationally from 1978 to 1993, he was tagged "the John McEnroe of fencing" for his "merciless" treatment of opponents and referees. His comeuppance came when he went from being a competitor to a referee. "I had to deal with all the jerks that acted like me," he says.
Winning and losing are a part of life, whether you're vying against another athlete on the field, a colleague for a job or promotion at work, a sibling in a game of Scrabble or another suitor for a true love's affection.
That said, what kind of winner and loser are you? Gracious or garish in victory? Sour or subdued in defeat?
And does anybody really buy into the old adage, "It's not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game"?
Some people's discomfort about losing is due to the way our society defines it, says Scott Sandage, a Carnegie Mellon University history professor and author of the new book "Born Losers: A History of Failure in America" (Harvard University Press, $35).
Defining "loser""There's a T-shirt that is popular on the campus were I teach that says, 'Coming in second only means you're the biggest loser.' That's just nonsense," he says. "Coming in second is pretty good. Coming in tenth in a country of 300 million is pretty good."
In his book, Sandage explains how the growth of American capitalism in the 19th century changed people's ideas about winning and losing. Historically, he says, "winner" was a military or sporting term for whoever was the strongest or fastest. "Loser" was a business term that originally was morally neutral or value-neutral and simply described someone who lost property, for example, due to fire and theft.
Loser has evolved into anything but a neutral term, Sandage says, implying that a person is, at best, inadequate and, at worst, a criminal or monster. "The stigma of being a loser is more intense than the aura of being a winner," Sandage says. "A winner is what we all want to be. The problem is not that winners gloat too much or winners take all, even though sometimes they do, but that equating success with being first makes all the rest of us losers, and that's the thing we can't live with."
That's why it's crucial to stay focused on what's really important, says Warren Breining, director of the nonprofit Athletes Helping Athletes at Adelphi University, which provides services to school districts and youth sports organizations.
Breining says he preaches the importance of good sportsmanship and fair play not only to young athletes but also to their parents. "I ask them to think of winning as a result and not a goal," he says. "Playing as a part of a team is a goal."
Reining in emotionsThe way people react when they win or lose reveals something about their integrity, says Tim Sanders, a leadership coach for Yahoo! and author of "The Likability Factor: How to Boost Your L-Factor & Achieve Your Life's Dreams" (Crown Publishers, $23).
When winners act arrogant, it demonstrates their contempt for other people, as if to say, "'I'm above you. You're below me,'" Sanders says. But they should never lose sight of the fact that a win is momentary and often due, in part, to sheer luck, he adds.
When losers display anger or pout, they reveal to others that they don't have a good grip on reality, he says. "If you can't accept losing, you can't accept the real world."
The bottom line: Neither winners nor losers should allow emotions to get the better of them to the point that they offend or hurt others with their behavior, Sanders cautions.
The notion of winning and losing also enters the dating arena. Say, you get the girl or guy of your dreams. Does that mean you won? Or if your relationship with that special someone ended, you lost?
Not at all, says Jill Spiegel, author of "The Flirtologist's Guide to Dating: Where to Go and What to Say to Date and Feel Great" (Goal Getters, $12). In fact, she says, take the idea of winning, losing and competition out of the equation altogether.
Your aim, she says, should be to find the right fit. "I've been married 12 years, and I feel like I won the Lotto with my husband, but not because I beat out other girls. The goal is to find the right person, where there's mutual support, chemistry, respect. As soon as you make it a competition, you're going to be off balance and lose yourself."
Even if someone breaks up with you, Spiegel says that shouldn't land you in the losing column. "You gained because you know now you're not with the right person," she explains. "Whatever time you had with them counts ... and you win by moving on now to the right, next chapter."
Try introspectionIt's important to learn from your losses, says Joanne Cini, an Upper West Side executive coach and former TV sales and marketing executive who has a chapter called "Losing Like a Winner" in her book "Kingmaker: Be the One Your Company Wants to Keep ... On Your Terms" (Prentice Hall, $22.95).
"It's fun to win," Cini concedes. "But you don't have to feel bad if you don't."
Instead, she suggests, look inward and ask some questions: Did I give it my best? What's driving me? What did I really win or really lose? Do I respect my competition? Am I doing this for me or someone else? Am I happy with the way I handled myself? How important is it in the real scheme of things? Can I learn from it?
"To me, the most important element is how you feel about yourself," she says.
Those are the kinds of questions parents and coaches should keep in mind when helping youngsters develop good behavior in competition, says Bob Weinberg, a professor specializing in sport psychology at Miami University of Ohio.
He suggests establishing some ground rules for their behavior when they exhibit good sportsmanship, particularly when they're at risk of losing.
Before any kind of competitive situation, they also might try role-playing or visualizing how they might act in a certain situation. For instance, what would they do if the referee made a call they disagreed with? Yell at the official? Stomp off and foul another player? Or take a deep breath and walk over and talk to their coach?
If they've practiced or thought about what they would do beforehand, he says, they can draw upon that when the situation arises. "It has to be something you work on, you practice," he adds. "It becomes a part of you."
When you lose, don't play the blame game, Bukantz says. Don't blame your opponent, don't blame the officials, don't blame your mother - advice he's tried to pass on to young Olympians.
"Learn to accept accountability," he says. "You can't start moving to the next level until you accept accountability for your actions and try to figure out what you can do to change."
And sometimes the best lesson about how to be a gracious winner can only come after you've suffered a crushing loss, Bukantz says. Then you're open to listen, and it gives you something to think about the next time you win.
Win or lose, he offers this advice to his team - and to anyone else, athletically inclined or not: "The sun will come up the next day, their lives will go on, and they will go back to schools and jobs. It's good for them to know that," he adds. "It might fall on deaf ears sometimes, but I have to keep reinforcing that."
LOSINGQuestions to ask yourself to help you became better at losing:
Do you pout, cry and get angry with your opponent?
Do you congratulate your winning opponent?
Do you blame others (the official for making a bad call, the fans for disturbing your concentration or your mother for not spending enough time with you as a child)?
Do you take time to ask yourself some questions, including what you might do differently or better next time?
WINNINGWant to be a better winner? Leadership coaches suggest asking yourself these questions:
Are you gracious or arrogant?
Do you shake hands with the losing opponent or team?
Do you demonstrate empathy, considering how your reaction could affect your opponent?
Do you taunt your opponent, with gestures or wild victory celebrations?
